Episode 4: tl;dr snake

Speaker 1:

We’re just gonna jump right in, eh?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we don’t have a lot of time. We’re late for a bridal shower.

Speaker 1:

This story is called My girlfriend told me she was with a friend, but that friend was with me picking out an engagement ring. How do I confront my girlfriend about her lie?

Speaker 2:

Ooh, juicy.

Speaker 1:

Juicy!

Speaker 2:

We’re drinking juicy peach Alani’s right now.

Speaker 1:

Ohh. How topical.

Speaker 2:

Energy.

Speaker 1:

This one’s posted in r/relationshipadvice from 2020. Height of pandemic times—I don’t know if that’s relevant in this story or not, but just to let you know.

Speaker 2:

Mhm.

Speaker 1:

So: “God this is a doozy. I swear my life feels like a movie right now.

I (28M) am planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 3 years (who’s 26F). Now, I suck at picking out jewelry. I’m the type of guy that doesn't see a problem with heart-shaped jewelry (seriously, why is it considered so ugly?). So every time I want to buy something for my girl, I usually consult one of our mutual friends. My girl's best friends are all friends with me as well, and we all get along well, so asking them for help picking out jewelry is something I'm used to.”

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

“When it came time to pick out a ring, I consulted my girlfriend’s best friend Justine (fake name). Justine and I are quite close, and she knows my girlfriend better than anyone, including me. So when my girlfriend when out to visit her sister and baby nephew, I invited Justine over to the house to help pick out a ring.”

Speaker 2:

And this is an engagement ring, you said?

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Cool.

Speaker 1:

“Justine and I looked through a few catalogues, but decided it was a dead end, and it would be better to go to professionals at a jewelry store. However, I didn't know when my girlfriend would be coming home, so Justine and I thought of a clever text to gauge how much time we had. I asked her when she'd be coming home, as I was ordering takeout and wanted to know when to tell them to have the food ready by.”

Speaker 2:

Mhm.

Speaker 1:

So clever.

Speaker 2:

So clever. He needed Justine’s help for that.

Speaker 1:

Isn’t that funny how mostly guys tend to just not be good at, as you say, “manipulation”?

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah [laughs]. Do you think that’s just like a natural thing, or do you think women have to manipulate to get what they need?

Speaker 1:

I think it’s a learned thing.

Speaker 2:

It’s a learned… Like you’ll never get what you need if you ask for it straightforwardly—

Speaker 1:

Directly.

Speaker 2:

Directly.

Speaker 1:

I have experience personally with this, because I’m of the more masculine type of communication style where I’m very direct. And like, it works in emails because my name happens to be more masculine-sounding, and like… people will call me “Dr.” or “Mr.”, and I’m like, “Ooh, I like the respect,” so I don’t really correct them. And I had the hardest time putting my pronouns in my email.

Speaker 2:

Uh huh. You’re like, “I don’t want to give that up!”

Speaker 1:

Yeah, “I don’t want to ruin this opportunity!”

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like, let it work for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

No, I have a hard time asking for things directly. I also have a lot of experience being denied what I want, too, so like, I feel like if I ask my family, “Oh, I really want to do this! Can we do it?” They’re like, “No.”

Speaker 1:

You have to make them want to do it or pretend it’s their idea. Plant the seeds.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly. So is that manipulation?

Speaker 1:

I think a little bit, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Is that what my therapist was talking about the other day when he said, “You need to learn how to manipulate people”?

Speaker 1:

Maybe, because I can’t imagine him saying that to you in the sense of manipulation in the sort of like—

Speaker 2:

Evil darkness way?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, malicious manner.

Speaker 2:

Okay, well…

Speaker 1:

Malicious manipulation is not for us.

Speaker 2:

Well manipulation is not for me, apparently. I need to learn how to do it.

Speaker 1:

I think you know. You know.

Speaker 2:

Do I? Do you think I don’t know? [laughs] Leading question.

Speaker 1:

I think you know. I just said that.

Speaker 2:

Okay, anyway, let’s get on with the story.

Speaker 1:

So they had this clever trick of asking about the takeout and when to order it.

Speaker 2:

Clever.

Speaker 1:

“She responded by saying it would be a few hours and that she met up with Justine to go shopping. Now obviously this took me by surprise since Justine was standing inside my house. I showed Justine the text, and she looked as confused as I was.

It isn't out of the ordinary for my girlfriend to meet up with people out of the blue like that for shopping, lunch, etc. She's a very spontaneous person and loves making plans on the fly. So ordinarily, I would have believed this text in a heartbeat. However, obviously this had to be a lie.”

Speaker 2:

Oof. Well, I just want to say, if this is like a regular thing that she “spontaneously” hangs out with people, how many times has it been a lie? We don’t know.

Speaker 1:

That’s true. That’s true. There’s a history. All we know is that she says she’s doing these other activities. And now we only have proof this once that she couldn’t possibly be doing what she says she’s doing—

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Or at least not with who she says she’s doing it with.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Maybe she’s getting him a gift? No.

Speaker 1:

It could be one of those O. Henry stories.

Speaker 2:

[laughs] I don’t know…

Speaker 1:

You know where it’s like… I don’t know, whatever.

Speaker 2:

Okay [laughs].

Speaker 1:

“When she came home, she acted completely normal, and I played along, but it's been really hard to act like everything's fine. We got takeout, ate together, and cuddled on the couch after. So far, she's caught on a little that something’s upsetting me, but I just can't tell her what. Looking at her kills me.

I don't know what to do. My girlfriend and I have zero trust issues, and we tell each other everything, so this lie is killing me. I want to ask her about it so bad, but if I tell her I knew she was lying, I'd have to explain why, and I really don't want to do that. What do I do? I know she lied to me, but I don't know how to confront her about it. Should I just forget it? This won't stop gnawing at me. Please help!”

Speaker 2:

I don’t think you can forget it.

Speaker 1:

Right. Yeah, it’s just gonna get worse and worse as you let it linger.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I think my advice would be… again, maybe this is the me coming from a feminine point-of-view. I would ask Justine to talk to him. Or talk to her [laughs].

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think I was thinking the same thing.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay, good.

Speaker 1:

And he even says in this post that Justine is closer to the girlfriend than he is.

Speaker 2:

Oh, he said that? 

Speaker 1:

Yeah, which was weird to me.

Speaker 2:

I thought he meant, like, it’s his girlfriend’s best friend, but he’s still friends with her.

Speaker 1:

“Justine and I are quite close, and she knows my girlfriend better than anyone, including me.”

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay.

Speaker 1:

She seems like the best in, right?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I would contact Justine—I mean, she was literally there—and be like, “You know, I’ve been thinking about this. Do you mind asking her—or telling her—‘Hey, I was talking to your boyfriend, and he said you and I hung out the other day, but we didn’t. What’s going on?’”

Speaker 1:

But why would she be talking to her boyfriend though? Alone?

Speaker 2:

Uh… Like they saw each other. They saw each other out.

Speaker 1:

Oh, they ran into each other.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I mean, it’s kind of… Or maybe they can do it after a party or something, or like when they’re all meeting up together. She can be like, “Oh, he told me that we were hanging out, but we weren’t. Like, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” And like, I feel like… I don’t know, but is that bad to not directly confront her?

Speaker 1:

As him? Being him?

Speaker 2:

Mhm. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Well, he’s just taking on the women’s tactful—

Speaker 2:

[laughs]

Speaker 1:

—of not being direct.

Speaker 2:

I don’t think it’s manipulation. I think it’s avoidant.

Speaker 1:

I think… Yeah, I think he probably needs to get the answer for himself. I don’t know. I do understand why he doesn’t want to ruin the surprise, because you only one shot for a surprise engagement. 

Speaker 2:

But have they talked about marriage?

Speaker 1:

I mean, potentially. I guess you could get rejected and then try it again like my parents, but…

Speaker 2:

Oh! [laughs] We… That’s… That’s our next story. We need to know. We need to know the story.

Speaker 1:

I don’t know the details, really. I just know that that happened.

Speaker 2:

He asked her to marry?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and she said, “Not right now.” Not right now, sorry bud.

Speaker 2:

Oh! Queen!

Speaker 1:

And then apparently it took one of her grandparents dying to realize life is short, gotta ****ing get married.

Speaker 2:

[laughs] Wow.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So romantic.

Speaker 2:

Don’t wait for that, listeners.

Speaker 1:

Don’t wait for death.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, don’t wait for your grandparents to die.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, let them see your wedding. But also don’t rush into it.

Speaker 2:

Get married for yourself, but don’t wait for no reason.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Well, I don’t know, maybe she had reasons.

Speaker 2:

For no reason.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Okay, if you don’t have a reason… Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Have some introspective moments with yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Anyway. Back to the story.

Speaker 1:

Anyway. Back to the story. So you think asking Justine for help in eliciting the information?

Speaker 2:

That’s what I would do; I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.

Speaker 1:

I do think you’re right. I think it probably—especially if he’s considering getting married to this woman, he should probably be able to have conversations with her, even the tough ones.

Speaker 2:

I would—I just want to know if they’ve talked about marriage before. Like, if they haven’t, this is a good way to start talking about it. This is a good reason, I mean.

Speaker 1:

You think he’s trying to get engaged to someone he hasn’t spoken about marriage with?

Speaker 2:

He never said that. He never mentioned it.

Speaker 1:

I mean, he didn’t mention it, but I just assumed most people probably have had conversations about wanting to at least get married.

Speaker 2:

I don’t know. I don’t know most people, so…

Speaker 1:

I know most people in the world.

Speaker 2:

Really?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I’ve got friends everywhere.

Speaker 2:

Oh [laughs].

Speaker 1:

Nova Scotia. Egypt. 

Speaker 2:

Norway.

Speaker 1:

Norway. Malta.

Speaker 2:

Malta, oh yeah, that’s a new one. Any other new ones that you were surprised by?

Speaker 1:

Not ones that I was surprised by. Most of them were in America, so… Small towns everywhere. 

Speaker 2:

So our listeners are all your friends?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. All of them I would say are our friends. Our friends.

Speaker 2:

Should that be our name for our listeners? You know how people have shows and they have names for their listeners or their fans?

Speaker 1:

Like Armcherries is the Armchair Expert version?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. 

Speaker 1:

“Friends” is ours?

Speaker 2:

Friends is ours, yeah.

Speaker 1:

That sounds like a cult-ish thing. 

Speaker 2:

“Hey, friends!” Yeah, it does. I mean, they all sound cult-ish, to be honest.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you’re right.

Speaker 2:

Like if you’re naming your followers, you’re a cult.

Speaker 1:

So we should just call them followers.

Speaker 2:

“Hello, followers.” [laughs]

Speaker 1:

That also sounds cult-y.

Speaker 2:

Wait, actually, one of my coworkers was talking about—sorry, this is a sidetrack moment, listeners… or followers, whatever you guys wanna call yourselves—but they were talking about AD on Love Is Blind, and he said that, “Did y’all hear when she was trying on wedding dresses and she said ‘Til death do us part’ in that really deep voice?” He was like, “It honestly threw me off, it scared me so much.” And I was like, “I bet I can do it even deeper than her,” and I did.

Speaker 1:

Wow.

Speaker 2:

And it scared him. “’Til death do us part.’”

Speaker 1:

That’s not the lowest though.

Speaker 2:

That I can do?

Speaker 1:

You said your register is lower than the average man.

Speaker 2:

No, I said it’s lower than my fiancé’s.

Speaker 1:

Oh! [laughs] Is his not that low?

Speaker 2:

[laughs] I don’t know. I have no idea. I don’t know anything about voices. “’Til death do us part!”

Speaker 1:

Like if you called me and pretended to be a man, I wouldn’t—

Speaker 2:

You wouldn’t know that I’m faking?

Speaker 1:

No, I would.

Speaker 2:

Oh, oh… Wait, let me read something. Hold on… “Traffic is moderate, it will take 20 minutes to get to— I don’t want to say the address.”

Speaker 1:

[laughs]

Speaker 2:

[laughs]

Speaker 1:

Beeeep!

Speaker 2:

Beep. [laughs] Did that sound real?

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

Oh, sorry. You didn’t think that sounded real?

Speaker 1:

No. You can hear yourself too. Can you not tell that it doesn’t sound real?

Speaker 2:

It sounds real to me because it’s coming out of my mouth.

Speaker 1:

I mean, it sounds like a voice. But it doesn’t sound like a man’s voice.

Speaker 2:

Oh, Lord.

Speaker 1:

Anyway…

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

So the comments on this one—and there was an update, by the way. 

Speaker 2:

Ooh.

Speaker 1:

The top comment on this was, “I know you say you can’t tell her why you know, but I honestly think you should. You don’t want this to bug you forever and propose to a girl that could be potentially hiding something. Just say you were hanging out with Justine because you needed help with a gift, so you know she wasn’t with her. And see what she says. Trust and communication is important, and it would suck to know you propose to a girl who could be doing you wrong, but just as bad to sit there and let that lie eat you alive.”

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

Pretty much what we said. Although it doesn’t seem like the top comments are recommending Justine as the avenue of, um…

Speaker 2:

Well, I think—

Speaker 1:

—resolution.

Speaker 2:

Most of the Reddit users are male, so…

Speaker 1:

True. They don’t think of that as a possibility.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they’re just more direct. I envy men’s direct so much.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it’s just rudeness.

Speaker 2:

Well, we perceive it as rudeness. I don’t know if it is. ‘Cause like, I’ll be talking to a man, and he’s like, “I have to go.”

Speaker 1:

[laughs] You don’t have a reason—a valid reason?!

Speaker 2:

But like, to them, it shouldn’t matter to me. And whenever I’m saying, I have to go to a man, I’m like, “Oh, I really want to stay, but I would love to keep going with this conversation, it’s so amazing, but I really have to go,” and like, I’m making so many excuses.

Speaker 1:

I do that too, though. Like, I become more manly in that sense of just being direct about things about not wanting to be there when I’m tired. I’m just like, “I’m leaving, I’m tired.”

Speaker 2:

“I literally don’t have the energy for this right now.”

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don’t. I don’t have the energy to keep up the façade.

Speaker 2:

“I don’t have the energy to keep the womanly façade up.” So okay, what was—

Speaker 1:

Sorry.

Speaker 2:

I was gonna ask what the update was.

Speaker 1:

He says, “Hi, guys! Oh my God, where to begin! My last post got WAY more attention than I could have ever imagined. Suffice to say, it was a tad bit overwhelming. Seriously, the amount of people begging for an update was a bit dehumanizing in a way.”

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I agree. Like why do you care about this random man’s life?

Speaker 1:

Well they’re just curious.

Speaker 2:

They want entertainment; they want drama.

Speaker 1:

I don’t know, sometimes I just want to know that people are doing well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, you can say that, you can say, “I hope you’re doing well.” You don’t have to say, “Tell me, tell me now!”

Speaker 1:

But I want to know for my own closure.

Speaker 2:

But that’s the way like a TV show, you would want to know for your own closure. Or like a news story. But this person, it’s their life, you know?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Supposedly. We never know.

Speaker 2:

We never know.

Speaker 1:

But um, he thanks everybody for all their support and wonderful comments, and then he goes on to the update: “I decided to confront my girlfriend. I thought about using some of the lies people suggested, but they just wouldn't make sense. To say I ran into Justine somewhere: well, I told my girl I had to stay home and do stuff around the house, and that's why I couldn't go with her to see my SIL. To say Justine was helping me pick out jewelry: it just doesn't make sense for her to come all the way to our house to help me pick out a piece of jewelry unless it was a serious piece of jewelry (like an engagement ring). If I just wanted to get her a piece of jewelry as a gift, I'd ask her friends for suggestions or ask them to send me pictures of jewelry she might like. It all happens over text. None of the excuses made sense. So, I decided to be honest.”

Speaker 2:

I did want to ask why did she have to go to their house to help him pick out a piece of jewelry? Like when you were originally reading the—

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Like why couldn’t she meet him at the place?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, or at like a café?

Speaker 1:

I guess ‘cause there’s more discussion that needs to be had than like…

Speaker 2:

At a café. 

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like, I don’t understand why she came to their house, but I mean, maybe they’re just close like that? 

Speaker 1:

Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 2:

That would bug me if I were the girlfriend, honestly.

Speaker 1:

That she came over?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Even though they’re friends. It’s like… why are you hanging out at our house?

Speaker 1:

I’m not sure I’d be bothered by that.

Speaker 2:

Is that like a stupid hetero worry?

Speaker 1:

Perhaps, I don’t know. I’m not in that situation.

Speaker 2:

Not in that situation, that’s clever. Okay, anyway…

Speaker 1:

“I basically just said that I knew we'd been thinking about marriage and she probably knew a proposal was coming soon, so I invited Justine over to help me find her the perfect ring, and that so happened to be the day that she said she was going to see her, so... what's the deal?”

Speaker 2:

Uh huh…

Speaker 1:

“She immediately started grinning like an idiot and prodding me about proposing and the ring, but then we got back onto the topic of where she was, and she confessed what she was really doing. No, she wasn't cheating, and no, she wasn't picking out a ring for me (the amount of times that was commented was crazy).”

Speaker 2:

Why is that crazy? [laughs]

Speaker 1:

I guess ‘cause this is a very heteronormative…

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I always forget, I always forget people don’t do engagement rings for the man.

Speaker 1:

Oh, right, yeah.

Speaker 2:

In the west, in the west. 

Speaker 1:

Right, right, right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So what is your prediction?

Speaker 2:

Oh my God, I’m literally on the edge of my seat. She was getting him a puppy.

Speaker 1:

Hm… Good guess.

Speaker 2:

Whoa! She was volunteering at the Humane Society.

Speaker 1:

You got it.

Speaker 2:

Wait, no.

Speaker 1:

No, you didn’t.

Speaker 2:

Okay [laughs].

Speaker 1:

But you were close. “So, some people are dog people and some people are cat people.”

Speaker 2:

She got him a kitten!

Speaker 1:

Close.

Speaker 2:

He’s a parrot guy.

Speaker 1:

Close.

Speaker 2:

A salamander. Tortoise?

Speaker 1:

“Well, me, I'm a snake person.”

Speaker 2:

Oh, Lord.

Speaker 1:

[laughs] Not valid.

Speaker 2:

Not valid. I don’t understand you snake people.

Speaker 1:

I don’t either, to be honest. I was about to live with a snake, and I was about to move out was what was actually about to happen.

Speaker 2:

What the heck. I’m glad you didn’t have to do that.

Speaker 1:

That landlord, if you’re listening [laughs]

Speaker 2:

The landlord who also happens to be your good friend.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Who might also listen ‘cause he is such a good friend.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Aw, we miss you. I mean, I’m sure [baby laugh] even more so, but I miss you too.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. We both miss you. And my mom misses you.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I said your name… 

Speaker 1:

Oh, ****. 

Speaker 2:

Let’s rewind.

Speaker 1:

Beeep.

Speaker 2:

Beeep.

Speaker 1:

I’ll just beep it out. I’ll put some laughing babies on it.

Speaker 2:

Let’s just rewind that. So she got him a snake?

Speaker 1:

He grew up with snakes his whole life. He says, “But I’ve never felt I was able to get one because my girlfriend has always been uneasy about living with a snake.” Valid. “Which I completely respected. Also, the process of buying and raising a snake is very different than that of buying and raising a dog or cat. It's quite complicated. So you could imagine my surprise when my girlfriend showed me a picture of her holding the cutest Kenyan sand boa I have EVER SEEN!”

Speaker 2:

[laughs]

Speaker 1:

Wow, the excitement there.

Speaker 2:

That’s his special interest.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. “Needless to say, my girlfriend was going to surprise me with a snake! We're picking her up next week. (Let me know if you want a pet tax, she's so cute).”

Speaker 2:

Oh, pet tax means if you have a pet, the tax is that you have to post pictures of it.

Speaker 1:

“I definitely did not expect this, and I feel bad for ruining the surprise, but oh well. Life is good! Sorry if this isn't the ending you guys wanted or expected, just a snake, haha. Thanks for reading!!” The TL;DR is “snake.” [laughs]

Speaker 2:

[laughs] This guy is so funny.

Speaker 1:

I love that. It’s like double meaning.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

‘Cause like, that ***** could be a snake.

Speaker 2:

Yeah! [laughs] I love this guy. I love their relationship. And I love that you can also actually tell it was a good relationship because when he posted this story, he was like, “We trust each other fully,” like, “We’ve never kept secrets from each other.” And like, he didn’t say, “Oh, that lying, cheating *****!”

Speaker 1:

Yeah. He’s not getting too in-his-head about it. Like you can tell he’s been ruminating a bit, but he’s not been overanalyzing to the point of thinking she’s someone she’s not.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like he’s not assuming negative things. I think that’s a hallmark of a good relationship.

Speaker 1:

I think it’s a hallmark of not having too much anxiety. But that too, sure.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, anxiety… If you have anxiety, deal with it. But seriously though, like, I think that is the hallmark of a good, healthy relationship is complete trust and like, not assuming the worst of your partner and just assuming the best and supporting them no matter what.

Speaker 1:

Mmm… Assuming the best, I don’t know that you necessarily have to go that far in a situation like this. 

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, she’s lying to you, so assuming the best is assuming she’s not cheating. [laughs]

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay. Okay… Yeah. 

Speaker 2:

Right?

Speaker 1:

Assuming the best is assuming she’s getting you a gift. Which, she was, but like, I don’t know that this is how this turns out every time. 

Speaker 2:

Or maybe assuming the best is assuming that I should talk to her because we trust each other, and I don’t think she would hurt me.

Speaker 1:

Or lie to me again.

Speaker 2:

Mhm.

Speaker 1:

That’s the risk, I think, of actually approaching the person directly… and coming to them and saying, “I know you weren’t with Justine.”

Speaker 2:

Mhm.

Speaker 1:

I don’t even know if I would use the word “lie” because that’s kind of setting her up for defensiveness. 

Speaker 2:

So you would say—like you think he said it like that, like, “I know you weren’t with”—I would be so interested to hear the conversation.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, me too. How do you think it started?

Speaker 2:

I think it’s more of what you said, like, “I know you weren’t with Justine.” Or I don’t think he initiated that way, I think he explained himself first. Like, “I was doing this and I was hanging out with Justine, so when you said you were, I knew it wasn’t true?”

Speaker 1:

“I knew that it couldn’t be true.”

Speaker 2:

Yeah. It’s so hard to have conversations like that.

Speaker 1:

Why? I mean, yeah, obviously you’re accusing somebody of something.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So how do you keep it, like… I think as long as you don’t outright accuse them like, “I think you’re a terrible person, and you’re a cheater. Were you cheating on me?”

Speaker 1:

I think… Well, maybe we can go back to the Nonviolent Communication approach of like, “Look, I noticed that you said that you were with Justine, but I was with her, so I don’t know how that could…” Like, “That made me feel a little bit like”—

Speaker 2:

“You were lying!” [laughs]

Speaker 1:

Yeah, “like I was being deceived!” [laughs] Like, I was just… “Like reality wasn’t matching up for me?”

Speaker 2:

No, that’s a little too… [laughs] that’s a little too…

Speaker 1:

Gaslight-y?

Speaker 2:

No. No, no, no. Like, you can just say, “I know that wasn’t true.”

Speaker 1:

No, but, but—

Speaker 2:

I don’t think you have to say reality is—

Speaker 1:

The point is if you would just shut up for a minute [laughs].

Speaker 2:

[laughs] Sorry!

Speaker 1:

The next step, though, in the Nonviolent Communication formula is the feelings, so you gotta use some kind of feeling.

Speaker 2:

“It made me feel anxious that what you communicated to me wasn’t the truth.”

Speaker 1:

Ooh, but then we’re again accusing of lying.

Speaker 2:

I mean, she lied. Like, I don’t think you’re accusing her of lying, like, she literally did lie.

Speaker 1:

But I want to steer clear of getting her in defense mode.

Speaker 2:

But if she’s actually, like, didn’t do anything wrong, she wouldn’t be in defense mode. Right? I just don’t think that if he told her, “It hurt my feelings that you lied to me, or it worried me that you lied to me,” I don’t think that’s offensive.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Or I don’t think she would take that negatively if she—if the reason she lied was to do something nice for him.

Speaker 1:

But I’m coming at it from… What if she did cheat? How do you want to have that conversation then?

Speaker 2:

If she did cheat?

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Oh, Lord.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Let’s role play. You can be… Who do you want to be?

Speaker 2:

I’ll be him.

Speaker 1:

I’ll be her.

Speaker 2:

Hey, girlfriend. [laughs]

Speaker 1:

“Hey, my girl.”

Speaker 2:

[laughs] “Hey, my girl.” Hey, girl.

Speaker 1:

“Hey, girl!”

Speaker 2:

Were you lying to me the other day?

Speaker 1:

Wow, so direct! I mean, what?! About what?! How could you possibly say that?

Speaker 2:

No. No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I meant, so you know the other day when you were hanging out with Justine—or at least you told me you were hanging out with Justine?

Speaker 1:

How could you?! I was hanging out with Justine!

Speaker 2:

Okay… Let’s go again. Let’s go again. So, my girlfriend… [laughs] I love your face every time I say that. So… the other day I was thinking of doing some shopping. I wanted to get you a gift, and honestly, I really wanted to start shopping for an engagement ring for you.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God! I am… Can we talk about the ring?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we can talk about the ring, but I have something—

Speaker 1:

Like what karat and all those details that I don’t know anything about?

Speaker 2:

20.

Speaker 1:

Is that a lot?

Speaker 2:

[laughs] You are so stupid. “Is that a lot?”

Speaker 1:

I don’t know. It sounds like a lot!

Speaker 2:

I don’t think a 20-karat diamond exists, that’s how big it is.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God!

Speaker 2:

But you’re not getting it ‘cause you’re a lying, cheating *****!

Speaker 1:

Whoa! That took a turn.

Speaker 2:

That derailed. No, hold on. I was… I wanted to get started on shopping for engagement rings for you, and I didn’t want to buy something that you would hate, so I really wanted Justine’s advice, and I actually invited her over, and she was here, so when you told me you were hanging out with her, I was quite surprised.

Speaker 1:

Oh, my God. That *****.

Speaker 2:

[laughs]

Speaker 1:

Just kidding. Let’s start over. Let me start over.

Speaker 2:

I don’t think we’re gonna do—we’re not cheaters, so I don’t think we know the dialogue of cheaters.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Okay, maybe… No, oh, I forgot I was supposed to be cheating. Oh! I thought this was the other conversation about the snake. No, no, no, no. Sorry. Did I say Justine? I meant Samantha. 

Speaker 2:

Samantha? Well you texted it to me, so you would’ve corrected yourself.

Speaker 1:

I mean, sorry. Not Samantha. I meant Justin! Justin and Samantha…

Speaker 2:

So why did you also mention Justine when you got home that night?

Speaker 1:

Did I? [laughs]

Speaker 2:

[laughs] This is a made-up scenario, so I can say whatever I want.

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay, I didn’t know if… No, ‘cause he said something about—

Speaker 2:

They cuddled, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1:

But they didn’t talk about Justine, okay. Well… [sighs] I was just thinking about Justine. Honestly, I think I’m in love with Justine.

Speaker 2:

You really—

Speaker 1:

You gotta throw ‘em off somehow!

Speaker 2:

You really changed the script.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I don’t think we can do this. I don’t think we’re good enough at this, to be honest, but…

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Maybe you can be the cheater.

Speaker 2:

Oh! [laughs] Okay…

Speaker 1:

Let me try. Okay, so Justine, just really quickly, I want to have a conversation… I mean, sorry. Did I say your name was Justine? My bad. Wait, what is your name? You don’t have a name.

Speaker 2:

He didn’t say. “Girlfriend. My girlfriend.”

Speaker 1:

My girlfriend, if you would listen to me, I have something to say.

Speaker 2:

[laughs]

Speaker 1:

I have something I need to say. I’ve been, like, my heart’s been out of my chest just thinking about this, honestly. It’s been really getting me nerve-wracked, if that’s a word. I don’t even know words anymore because that’s how bad it is.

Speaker 2:

Oh no! Are you okay, my boyfriend?

Speaker 1:

My girlfriend, I am not okay. I am really anxious because I’ve been thinking so hard about how you told me the other day when you were at your sister-in-law’s, I mean my sister-in-law’s that you were gonna go shopping with Justine like you usually do on the weekends.

Speaker 2:

Why would that make you anxious?

Speaker 1:

Because honestly, I was with Justine at that time.

Speaker 2:

[gasps] You what?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was with Justine.

Speaker 2:

Why didn’t you tell me?

Speaker 1:

Well because I didn’t have a chance to before you told me that you were with Justine.

Speaker 2:

Why didn’t she tell me?

Speaker 1:

Well, why would she need to tell you?

Speaker 2:

Why did you guys hang out without me? Are you cheating on me?

Speaker 1:

Whoa! No, I’m not cheating on you. I was getting you something important.

Speaker 2:

Uh… Cheating on me?

Speaker 1:

No, you know how we’ve been talking about—like, I honestly did not want to ruin the surprise because this is a big thing for me and possibly for you too, but I was getting—

Speaker 2:

You want—

Speaker 1:

A ring.

Speaker 2:

—To cheat on me?

Speaker 1:

Yes. Silence yourself. Take that in!

Speaker 2:

[laughs] I was trying to remember the word for um, like, a throuple. But I couldn’t remember it! I was gonna say, “You want to be in a throuple with Justine?”

Speaker 1:

No. I want to be with you, my girlfriend.

Speaker 2:

A ring for me? Yeah, it’s about damn time.

Speaker 1:

Okay… But where were you then? I’m honestly worried about this now.

Speaker 2:

I was out! What are you talking about? Why were you worried? I was out. You were the one cheating on me.

Speaker 1:

I can’t in good conscience ask you to marry me if I don’t feel secure in this relationship.

Speaker 2:

Well you don’t feel secure ‘cause you’re cheating on me.

Speaker 1:

I am not cheating on you, I was getting you a **** ring.

Speaker 2:

You see what I’m doing though?

Speaker 1:

You’re gaslighting me, you *****.

Speaker 2:

No, not just gaslighting, but cheaters project, you know?

Speaker 1:

Ah. Not all the time though. But can you just tell me where you were?

Speaker 2:

I was out with… Jason.

Speaker 1:

[gasps] Jason.

Speaker 2:

I was trying to think of a girl’s name. [laughs] I couldn’t think of one.

Speaker 1:

[laughs] That’s why I said Justin and Samantha. A couple.

Speaker 2:

I was out with Alex-is.

Speaker 1:

Alex-is?

Speaker 2:

Alexis. [laughs]

Speaker 1:

You mean Alex?

Speaker 2:

No, Alexis.

Speaker 1:

I think you mean Alex. Are you trying to lie but not lie?

Speaker 2:

No! I could never. You’re the liar here. You’re the one who lied to me that you were with Justine. And you’re cheating on me—

Speaker 1:

[burps] Oh, sorry. I just looked at the time. We should probably—

Speaker 2:

Oh, wrap up?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Just admit that you cheated, and we’re all good here.

Speaker 2:

I literally didn’t cheat!

Speaker 1:

You cheated. 

Speaker 2:

We can go, yeah. Well, I’m really glad we finally read a Reddit story where no one was the ***hole. 

Speaker 1:

I know. I tried to find some that were a little more heartwarming. 

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that’s nice. Thank you for doing that.

Speaker 1:

But that’s why it’s a mini episode, ‘cause there’s not many of those.

Speaker 2:

[laughs] Yeah, there’s not much good in the world.

Speaker 1:

Not much good in the world.

Speaker 2:

The world is evil.

Speaker 1:

It sucks.

Speaker 2:

It’s bad.

Speaker 1:

TL;DR snake.

Speaker 2:

Anyway, we’re about to head off to a bridal shower.

Speaker 1:

It’s funny— Okay, alright, good.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for listening, dear listeners. 

Speaker 1:

Thank you, dear listeners. Friends.

Speaker 2:

Send us stories! We are always excited to hear more stories. Especially personal ones.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, send in a write-in. Send a write-in.

Speaker 2:

Send in a write-in, my friends.

Speaker 1:

Send in a write-in, my friends.

Speaker 2:

Send in a voice note, a write-in, a text…

Speaker 1:

Just anything that we can share with the world.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Literally the world.

Speaker 2:

The world at large.

Speaker 1:

We have the world as listeners.

Speaker 2:

Alright. Bye, y’all.

Speaker 1:

Bye.