Bowel: So would you like to be introduced or would you like to remain anonymous or...?

Lovely: I can remain anonymous. I can be that anonymous caller.

Movement: I kind of feel like we should say, like, give a moniker to everybody.

Bowel: Okay. I'll be Bowel.

Movement: I'll be Movement.

Lovely: Stool? [laughs]

Bowel: [laughs]

Movement: [laughs] Leaky?

Bowel: Ew... Leaky?

Movement: Leaky Bowel Movement.

Bowel: I like more healthy.

Movement: Oh okay, healthy. Luscious.

Bowel: Luscious bowel movement.

Lovely: Okay…

Bowel: Lovely.

Lovely: Lovely bowels. Movements.

Bowel: Yes. Everybody wants a lovely bowel movement.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Okay, Lovely.

Movement: Okay.

Lovely: I'm Lovely.

Movement: Hi, Lovely.

Lovely: Hi, Movement.

[Theme song]

Movement: [laughs] Thanks for coming on the show.

Movement: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so honored to be here.

Bowel: We're honored to have you.

Movement: Yeah, you had quite a journey too, like from calling in and—

Bowel: Oh, I thought you were gonna say from like the esophagus down to the—

Movement: Oh no.

Lovely: It was. It took a while.

Bowel: Yeah, so if you call in, you're basically guaranteed a slot on the show.

Lovely: Yeah, I mean I was a stranger, I've never met either of you. I'm… You just called and said, “Come on up.” I said, “Great!”

Bowel: This time we’re going in blind. The theme here is going to be unprepared because we are—

Lovely: I feel unprepared.

Bowel: We are all in the same boat here.

Lovely: Good.

Bowel: The same bowel movement.

Lovely: The same unprepared bowel movement.

Movement: Lovely.

Lovely: Yeah, lovely and unprepared.

Bowel: Lovely and unprepared do not go together when it comes to bowel movements.

Movement: Oh, that’s true.

Lovely: Well, I don't know. It can be quite a relief.

Bowel: If you're in the right place. But you know…

Lovely: That’s quite a good point.

Movement: Did I ever tell you guys that I've shit myself before?

Bowel: Wow…

Lovely: Probably recently.

Movement: No.

Lovely: Right now?

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: Is this you telling us you need to pause?

Movement: No, um, when I got food poisoning while I was in Lebanon from eating like way too much sushi, um, I got really sick and we went to the ER. And they wouldn't let me have a room because I didn't have health insurance there. My mom was like, “We're good for it, we can pay, like, please just let her have a room. She's like literally dying,” and I like shit myself in the waiting room. Then they let me have a room because they're like, “Okay—

Bowel: We can't tolerate any more of this!

Movement: And I was wearing harem pants. I don't know if that like made it worse.

Lovely: Are those the ones with like, like, um, like a loose middle?

Movement: Yeah, a loose groin. Those are the ones with a loose groin. I think that made it better, actually.

Lovely: Hm…

Bowel: Good to know. Pro tips.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: That if you, if you feel a leaky bowel… [screeching noise] Oops.

Movement: Anyway, so…

Bowel: Yeah, should we get started here?

Movement: Yeah, I can, I can go ahead.

Bowel: Okay, sure.

Movement: Okay, so the first story is “Am I the asshole for refusing to wear a bra when my roomie’s bf stays over?” I don't wear a bra at home. I go to college, then library and then work and then gym. I'm out at 7 AM and back at 10 PM. Usually I take a quick shower when I get home, then make a snack and just relax for an hour before bedtime. On weekends, I barely leave the apartment besides the occasional outing with friends or colleagues. My roommate and I are very close, but now she has been biting my head off about me not wearing a bra at home. I was confused. Then she explained that it was about her boyfriend. I laughed in her face and told her to put a bra on his eyes instead. She got very upset, but I told her I wasn't interested in her boyfriend. Not in the slightest. She got offended and said that he wasn't interested in me either, so I said, “Then why are we arguing?” It's only an issue if we were interested in each other. Tell him next time he sees me braless he can pretend that I am a wall. According to her, it wasn't about interest but being invasive, and he felt uncomfortable. Would you think that it was fine if he showed his d? [laughs] I called her stupid because I was in my home. I wouldn't go braless in his home, and if he chose to go naked in his home, the only right I have is to get the hell out of there. She called me the asshole. Am I?

Lovely: Hm… Interesting. Well, I don’t wear a bra in my home.

Bowel and Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: But I do if strangers come over. But if he's not a stranger… I guess it depends on how often this man is at her home. If he's there a lot, then I feel like she has a right to not wear a bra in her own home.

Movement: Yeah. All the time.

Bowel: I mean, I don’t know, I feel like, regardless of the amount that he's there, I'm like, I agree with her, it's her place—

Lovely: That is true.

Bowel: If he's uncomfortable, he has a right to leave.

Lovely: Yeah, I put a bra on because I'm more uncomfortable.

Bowel: Yes, exactly.

Lovely: So I feel like if she doesn't feel like she has to, it’s her house.

Bowel: Yeah, if she has the confidence, flaunt it.

Movement: Yeah. She made a comment saying let's say I get a boyfriend and she goes around the apartment naked, and he comes and complains to me. I would say, “Oh yeah, she's like that. Are you uncomfortable? Let's meet in your place then because this is her home.”

Bowel: That's what I essentially said, just he can leave.

Lovely: The other thing is there is people are too uncomfortable with boobs.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: And I'm uncomfortable with my boobs without a bra because I feel like everybody's uncomfortable.

Bowel: Me too. I am of the “enslave the nipple” mentality.

Lovely: That's right, I forgot that you are.

Bowel: #enslavethenipple

Lovely: What ever happened to those bumper stickers? Weren’t we gonna get that?

Bowel: I don't know. Is that not… Probably somebody has already come up with that phrase—

Lovely: But have they copyrighted it as we’re doing right now? Hashtag TM.

Movement: It costs like $500+ to copyright something.

Lovely: Never mind. Let that nipple be free.

Movement: [laughs] Neutral nipple.

Lovely: What were you saying?

Movement: I was saying that last night, like, I was talking about like the whole free the nipple thing, and I was like I think you should be able to free the nipple in certain places, like everyone. And I think everyone should just enslave the nipple in certain places as well, like men included. Like if you're just like out on a normal street, why are you not wearing a shirt? But maybe it's because I'm from a conservative country or something… [laughs] But I think that's like in France as well. Like you're not allowed to go shirtless if you're a man unless you're at the beach or something like that.

Bowel: So like a public space that isn't designated for activities that require more shirtlessness?

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: You should be required to wear a shirt?

Lovely: Well that’s… Wasn't there a debate on Instagram about that? You know, why are male nipples allowed but biologically born female nipples are not? Or I guess any nipples are not. No, no, no.

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: Reverse.

Bowel: Reverse, reverse.

Lovely: Reverse, reverse. Lovely’s confused.

Bowel: Oh, Lovely.

Movement: Oh, Lovely. [laughs] Um… Yeah. I just, I think the thing that I, that bugs me is the fact that, like, she didn’t call out her boyfriend. Like she was like…

Bowel: Exactly! And how does she know, first of all, that he's not attracted to the roommate?

Movement: I don't know.

Bowel: Did she straight up ask?

Movement: I don't know if she said that, but she just told the roommate…

Bowel: She's like, because the roommate said, “I’m not attracted to your boyfriend,” she’s like, “Oh well, he's not attracted to you either.”

Movement: Yeah, that's kind of the vibes it gives off.

Lovely: Mhm.

Bowel: Um, but like if my boyfriend were like, “Oh my God, your roommate doesn't wear a bra?” I'd be like, “Shut the **** up,” like don't look if you don't want to see that. Like don't look. Like this is her house. But like if she were like walking around naked and that made him uncomfortable, that's a little bit different. I'd be like, “Yeah, let's go to your place.”

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Yeah. And also, she's not even like shirtless, like, it's just her natural boob shape?

Lovely: That's true.

Movement: Like her normal boob shape is out in the open?

Lovely: Yeah, good point, good point.

Movement: [dog sounds] We have a visitor.

Bowel: Alright, you ready for another one?

Lovely: Yes.

Bowel: My (31F) husband (32M) has been killing my houseplants with bleach.

Lovely: I'm intrigued.

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: Alright, this one's from r/relationship_advice. She says: I have many, many houseplants and even some that were quite expensive and were gifts from my sister. Within the last six months, at least a third of my plants have died. I've had houseplants my whole life due to my late mother's own love of houseplants, and I know a lot about plants. The death of the plants didn't seem related to lack of light or inconsistent watering or lack of nutrients or even root rot! They just died very suddenly. I tried not to let it upset me too much because plants die, and it was not any of the expensive ones, until now. My sister gave me a five-leaf monstera albo rooted plant for my birthday two months ago.

Movement: Ooooh.

Lovely: Wow.

Bowel: It was beautiful. Some might even say lovely. This morning, I was crying pretty hard about it as I un-potted it and took a look at the roots, and I was looking hard at this plant and roots to see if its death was pest-related. And that's when I noticed a smell. I sniffed my potting mix, and I smelled bleach. The only other adult person in my home with unlimited, unobserved access to my plants is my husband. I wasn't able to talk to him for several hours, but when I could speak to him, I very calmly but very directly asked if he had done something to my plants. He denied it at first. I said I smelled bleach in the potting mix of the albo my sister had gotten me, and that the only person that could have put it there was him, and he caved. He said he was putting small amounts of bleach into the fertilizer water jugs I prepare. I started crying. I asked him why. Why would you do this? You know I love these plants. Why would you destroy them? He didn't really answer, nor did he really apologize. The trust I had in him is absolutely gone. I think maybe counseling can help us, but he is the one that did this, but I'm the one that would have to set up the counseling. The angry part of me just wants to be done with this relationship. I know that might seem overboard, as we're married and share a child, but I feel now that I'm not safe around my husband.

Movement: Oh my God… The drama. I mean, I don't want to like diminish that these plants are important to her, but it’s just a little bit intense.

Bowel: It does speak to me as like unhinged behavior. Who thinks to do something so—

Movement: Yeah, like would he do that to her when if she started annoying him?

Lovely: And I want to know why. Like, like her. I would like to know. I mean, maybe he's jealous. Maybe she… She does sound like she really enjoys spending time with these plants. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to ask for more time and attention for himself?

Movement: Yeah, but how did they get through all of this into like marriage and stuff and have a kid and—

Lovely: That’s a really good point.

Movement: —and he can’t do that.

Lovely: Maybe he's also partaking in the bleach drinking, and it's changed his behavior.

Bowel: That would be a twist. It does remind me, though, do you guys remember Auburn has these big *** trees in Toomer’s Corner that are, like, very like, sacred to the sport. When they win, they toilet paper the trees.

Lovely: That’s what you do to sacred trees.

Bowel: Yeah. I mean, it’s just a tradition. But they hold this tradition whenever they win the games, and there was a game that they won against Alabama, I believe, and an Alabama fan poisoned the tree. It was a big scandal.

Lovely: What happened to the tree?

Bowel: I think it was deteriorating after that.

Lovely: Is it dead?

Bowel: I don’t know if it’s fully dead or if it just was a little bit ill.

Lovely: Okay, so not tree murder.

Bowel: I don’t know, it could be tree murder.

Lovely: Tree felony.

Bowel: Whatever it was, it was intended murder.

Lovely: Attempted manslaughter, that's it. Attempted treeslaughter.

Movement: No, murder.

Bowel: But like isn't that, isn't that an unhinged reaction, though, to just a loss of a ****ing football game or whatever it was?

Movement and Lovely: Yeah.

Bowel: And this—we don't even know the rationale or the justification.

Lovely: Yeah, it's hard for me to give a clear opinion when I don't know the reasoning.

Movement: Yeah. What if it were like a cat or a dog that she spent all her time with, like would he poison them?

Bowel: That's what I wonder because poisoning something is like… Who comes to that conclusion as like, “Oh, this is the way I'm going to get my revenge, I'm going to poison something that means something to her.”

Movement: Why is it revenge? Like why would it go so far as to be revenge? That's my question. It's not revenge. It's like he's jealous, he wants attention, like, okay, give the plant away.

Lovely: I want to know how old the child is, because I do feel like there can be a pattern in cis-hetero relationships sometimes where as soon as the first child comes about, the man gets a little bit jealous because he's not getting attention. But I've never heard it get to the point where he starts poisoning the plants.

Bowel: Yeah, that's an interesting approach. I think, too, she mentioned, “Oh well, I wonder if counseling will help,” and I'm like, is counseling going to help psychopathy? I don’t know.

Movement: Is it psychopathy? [laughs]

Lovely: Okay, would you be mad if you found out your partner was… Would you be more mad or confused? I think I'd be more confused.

Movement: Yeah, I would be too.

Bowel: I think I'd be both. I'd be mad confused.

Lovely: [laughs] Mad confused.

Bowel: Maaad confused, man.

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: I would be both because he knows it means a lot, and that's just kind of a **itty thing to do when you know that.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: True.

Bowel: The edit here says I thank everyone for giving advice. The townhome we live in is mine and my sister's—our inheritance from my mother. My husband has an office/den/gaming room that is his personal space, and there are no plants there. There are also no plants in the kitchen. I'm not a plant hoarder. Like he has a room for himself, I also have a sunroom and that's where the concentration of plants live. He has no reason to go in there. It's not access to our backyard or anything. I saw some people saying maybe he's sick of bugs, but I don't have a fungus gnat problem. I did see one person ask why did I not smell the bleach when I was watering? And I can only say my nose wasn't all up in there, maybe? I also usually use a natural systemic in my fertilizer water called SNS-209 that smells heavily of rosemary, but I ran out of that last month and haven't replaced it yet. After our conversation yesterday, I needed space. I spent the night in my daughter's room on a trundle bed. Weird detail, but okay. I'm going to text my husband today. He usually communicates easier and opens up more via text rather than face-to-face. I'm going to ask for a reason, and I'll see what he says.

Movement: Oh my God, if it’s all confined to one room and it’s like, you know, her room, her sunroom. I don’t understand why he would be…

Bowel: In there?

Movement: Upset. No, I really don’t. It makes me feel like he's not upset about the plants, he's upset at her, and he's taking it out on the plants.

Bowel: I am curious about this reason. I want, I want to get to the bottom of this as well.

Movement: Yeah. Does she update?

Bowel: There is another edit.

Movement: Oh, okay, I was like, “Oh no, there’s no update!”

Lovely: Oh, good, well don’t keep us in suspense.

Bowel: Edit two. It says: sorry, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to update on a separate post? My husband won't be welcome in my home anymore, and I need to find a lawyer ASAP on Monday.

Movement: [gasps] Oh my God…

Bowel: I did text him, and he admitted again to putting bleach in my fertilizer water. He says it wasn't every jug I ever made, so that explains why it wasn't all my plants dying, but randomly over the past six months. His exact words were that I deserved to be knocked down a peg.

Lovely: [gasps]

Movement: What?!

Bowel: What a **tch.

Movement: Oh my God!

Lovely: That really… That's quite… [chair noise] Sorry. That's readjusting my chair kind of shock. Wow!

Bowel: Yeah, it's like you're speechless, so you have to do some kind of movement to like get the words out.

Lovely: I do, and I'm still speechless. That’s…

Movement: That's crazy.

Bowel: She says also: After the text communication, I went home from work early, and I entered his office. I usually respect his space absolutely. I don't even go in there to grab dirty dishes. I don't know what I was looking for, but the hundreds of comments saying he was working up to something worse or already was doing something else really worried me. I went in there, and I found a drawer full of my daughter's dolls and dollhouse furniture and little toys. I bought her that dollhouse for her fourth birthday last year, and she's loved it. (So we at least get the age now. She's four or five.) She takes such good care of her toys, but something always ends up missing, and it's always my husband who notices. He lectures her about keeping track of her things and how he won't let her play with her dollhouse if she keeps losing things. He keeps going until she starts to sob.

Movement: Maybe you were right about the psychopathy.

Lovely: Yeah, I'm alarmed by this level of behavior.

Bowel: When I hear this going on, I always, always step in and ask him to go take a break. I assumed he was losing his cool. I’ve told him this is not how to deal with this with a kid, and he says he just wants her to grow up responsible. I now see it was some weird scheme or setup or something? He would steal the stuff and stash it away and point out it was gone to berate our daughter ‘til she cried.

Lovely: [gasps]

Movement: Oh my God.

Bowel: My sister and her husband and her husband’s dad came over this afternoon and they’ve changed the locks. I’ve texted him to tell him he isn’t coming back and that he can come on Saturday morning to grab his essential things, but that my brother-in-law and another man would be there to watch. (Good for her.)

Movement and Lovely: Yeah.

Bowel: Sorry if this is unclear or if things seem missing. This Reddit post isn't super my priority. I will probably not be updating again. Thank you to everyone worried about my safety.

Movement: Oh my God. You know, when you first read the post, I was like, wow, like, I get the plants are important to her, but this is a little bit dramatic. But now I’m like…

Lovely: That’s not dramatic.

Bowel: This is a key lesson though. When something is important to somebody and somebody actively sabotages that thing, it’s a sign that something’s off.

Movement: I think it’s like one of the biggest red flags.

Bowel: Yeah.

Movement: Yeah, I was thinking maybe he is jealous of the time she spends with the plants and okay, maybe they should go to counseling or something like that.

Bowel: Well, we never did get a reason, like we never got his supposed motivation for doing this.

Lovely: Well, based on what he was doing, I mean it sounds like it was control issues. Especially with taking his daughter's toys, I mean…

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: What was he doing? He was pretending that she had lost them or was misplacing them, and then revealing that they, you know, “Oh well, I found it in the cupboard”—

Movement: No, I don't think he was revealing that. I think—

Bowel: Oh.

Movement: I think he was just berating her for losing them and trying to, you know, “make her more responsible.” Very weird.

Bowel: Unhinged is my word. To like, not diagnose, but like this man, something's wrong.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: And I don't know that counseling is going to…

Lovely: Help.

Bowel: What, what, what does he get out of this?

Movement: That's my question is: what do you guys think his… not… We all know like what he's doing, but his why in his head? Do you guys think that he thinks he's like doing a good thing for his daughter for real? Like not the plant thing, but the thing with his daughter. Do you guys think that he's just trying to control her, or he thinks he's really teaching her a lesson?

Lovely: Maybe I think that's probably the excuse he's telling himself.

Bowel: Yeah.

Lovely: But it sounds like it's just anger that he's not like, because he's probably not talking about his feelings.

Bowel: I think that he probably is caught off guard by this choice of hers to leave him, and I think he’s justified in his mind that this is completely rational to be taking these toys and pretending that they're gone, because, well, what if she did lose it? She needs to learn her lesson that it's not going to be replaced.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: She needs to learn how to be responsible. And then, you know, his exact words were that “I deserve to be knocked down a peg.” Why? Why does she deserve that?

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: That's why I'm thinking anger. Unresolved anger from something.

Bowel: But we never get that reason, and I guess this wasn't her priority.

Lovely: Probably mommy issues.

Movement: [laughs] Probably.

Lovely: I feel like it's usually mommy issues.

Movement: Probably. Yeah.

Movement: Or, like, you know, what's that phenomenon called where, like, the boss, like, takes out their anger at you because they have a lot of pressure on them, and then you go home and take out your anger on your wife because you have a lot of pressure on you, and then the mom takes her anger out at the child…

Bowel: Cyclical abuse? Or cycle of abuse?

Lovely: Mmm…

Bowel: Or generational trauma.

Lovely: Generational trauma.

Bowel: Generational trauma.

Movement: Generational trauma.

Movement and Lovely: Generational trauma.

Lovely: Generational trauma.

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: Yeah, again, I go back to the Auburn guy. I think that's just like people who do this like is there? Maybe this is the better question: is there a good reason for poisoning someone's plants? Is there ever a good reason?

Lovely: Maybe if it's an invasive species.

Movement: [laughs] That is actually a really good reason.

Lovely: That's destroying other plants.

Bowel: So maybe that—I mean, we don't have his side of the story.

Lovely: That's true, he could have thought this plant is taking over.

Bowel: And, you know, my wife needs to be knocked down a peg because she is overgrowing these invasive plants.

Lovely: There you go.

Bowel: But we did get the name of the plant, the monstera whatever it was.

Lovely: Those are quite expensive.

Movement: Monstera is, like it's expensive and common, but I think the one that she has is more expensive.

Bowel: The albo or albo, I don't know. It's five leaves, by the way.

Lovely: I don't know. It's a five-leaf albo monstera.

Bowel: She could’ve called it the windowleaf, which is much easier to pronounce. Would’ve appreciated that.

Movement: Maybe she does need to be knocked down a peg.

Bowel: Maybe she does. This highfalutin lady. And her monstera albo.

Lovely: Sorry, lady. Your psycho husband—we're on his side.

Bowel: Yeah, he ain't psycho, he's just right.

Lovely: He's justified. We stand for the poison of plants.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Jk, jk.

Bowel: We are pro plant.

Lovely: Yes.

Movement: We're anti-psychopath husbands.

Lovely: Yes!

Bowel: Let me see if there's any interesting comments going on on this one. Let me see just what the top comment was. The top comment on this story was: “I don't know your partner. Hopefully you do, but proceed with great caution. You may want to give this a read.” And they link to another post, which is titled I found out my partner has been putting slugs in my food. I don't know how to forgive him.

Movement: Yeah, I don’t think I would… Like why would you forgive someone who did that?

Lovely: Again, I’m… Why?

Bowel: You know, I assume he knows that she wasn't, she didn't discover this until just now. Like how long has he been doing this and then feeling like some kind of silent victory or something? Like wouldn't you think if he was trying to control that he would want some acknowledgement of his efforts or something by her? Like, “Oh my God, my plants keep dying on me. What am I doing wrong?” Does she ever say that at any point to him?

Movement: Probably.

Lovely: I would assume so.

Movement: ‘Cause she was saying like lately like…

Bowel: Over the past six months, or something like that.

Lovely: Yeah. Wait, what is this slug thing?

Bowel: There's another article, I mean…

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: I mean there's another um, there's another post um that they linked to. Should we, should we go through it?

Movement: Yeah, see how long it is.

Bowel: This is an update, there's an original and an update.

Lovely: ‘Kay.

Bowel: I found out my partner has been putting slugs in my food. I don't know how to forgive him. I, (22F) have been with my partner (24M) for four years now. I have never known him to do anything like this, but I noticed he started acting a little strange around a month, maybe a month and a half ago. He started putting fruit on the floor in the garden, and I thought it was a bit weird, but he said he was feeding the mice family that have nested in our shed.

Movement: What?

Bowel: So I thought it was sweet and helped him do so.

Movement: Why would you feed mice—

Lovely: Fruit?

Movement and Lovely: [laughs]

Lovely: Do mice like fruit?

Movement: I don't know what mice eat. Like cheese?

Lovely: I thought they ate wood. Wait, no, I'm thinking of—

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: What am I thinking of?

Movement: Are you thinking of um—

Lovely: Like a woodchuck?

Movement: No, uh, what are they called?

Lovely: They're ant beavers.

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: Don’t laugh at that.

Bowel: Little baby beavers.

Movement: Wait, but why would he… Why would she think that's cute? Honestly, I’m sorry, like—

Lovely: You don't think that's cute?

Bowel: Mice are much cuter than rats, so I can kind of see it.

Lovely: I think mice are cute.

Bowel: Like of the rodent family, rodentia family…

Movement: Yeah, but you don’t want to have a mouse problem.

Lovely: Okay, you don't.

Bowel: In your garden.

Lovely: I want a mouse problem.

Bowel: It's in the garden though. If they're feeding them outside, maybe they’ll stay out there.

Movement: Oh, maybe.

Lovely: Yeah. Maybe they’re pest control.

Bowel: Yeah. Maybe so.

Movement: Okay.

Bowel: Anyways… He started being really nice to me around two weeks ago and was making me food, baking me cakes and stuff, which he never usually cooks ever, so I was so happy he found a hobby. I did notice sometimes I felt sick and dizzy after eating, and I just put it down to lack of sleep and hormones. Anyways, a friend of my partner's came into my work today (I work in a café) and said he needed to speak to me when I was free. I was free as there wasn't any customers at this time. He told me that my partner has been collecting slugs from the garden on fruit that he has been putting out there and putting them in my food, blending them up. He even sent this friend of his pictures of a bag of slugs he had collected and the picture of blended slugs.

Movement: [gasps] Oh my God…

Bowel: I feel really sick to my stomach. I don't understand why he would do this. This is so out of character of him. I asked him why he was doing it, and he accused me of snooping through his messages, which I would never do, and got so angry at me for not being able to “take a joke.”

Movement: What the ****?

Lovely: How is that a joke?

Bowel: I feel disgusting. I love him to pieces, but I just don't understand his way of thinking just now. Am I overreacting? I don't know what to do, I feel lost.

Movement: You're underreacting.

Lovely: Yeah, I agree. What if they were poisonous slugs?

Movement: Yeah!

Bowel: Well, they seem to have had some effect on her—the fact that she felt sick and dizzy after eating.

Movement: And what's the joke here? Like what's the joke? What's the prank?

Bowel: Hahahaha, you ate slugs!

Movement: What? That's like 5-year-old humor.

Bowel: If that. I think they might even be a little grossed out by it.

Lovely: Slugs are pretty nasty. We had a slug problem at our house.

Bowel: Oh, really?

Lovely: They would be inside our house, like, especially when it would rain. We would just see them slugging across the walls and the floors. And they're nasty, they're big.

Movement: First of all, though, good on his friend for telling her. That's a real one.

Lovely: Yep.

Bowel: Mhm. Yeah.

Movement: You don't see that happening too often.

Bowel: Not too often, no you don’t.

Lovely: I think the moral is: be suspicious if a man cooks for you.

Movement: [laughs] Yeah. No, if he starts being like when she said he started being really nice to me, I was like, “What?” That’s such a weird—

Bowel: I don't think she said that. I think she said he started having hobbies all of a sudden.

Movement: No, she literally said…

Bowel: Oh, she did say that?

Lovely: No, I think she did say something about—

Movement: Yeah. She started… Or he started being very nice to me—

Lovely: Which also, if you love him to death but he just started being nice, come on now.

Bowel: Yeah, around two weeks ago… Was making me food, baking cakes and stuff, which he never usually—Why would you put slugs in cake? Wouldn't slugs kind of ruin the essence of the cake?

Lovely: Yeah… I want to know how she didn't see—

Bowel: Slug mucus?

Movement: He really blended them in.

Bowel: Slug mucin or whatever y'all call that stuff that you put on your face?

Movement: Snail mucin.

Bowel: Oh. [laughs] Oh, well the update says: “Edit: I am receiving messages telling me to kill myself. Please don't do that, as I am highly sensitive just now.” The second part is: “I went to urgent care last night in the early hours of the morning and waited and was finally seen around 6 AM-ish. I had some tests, and I have a high level of metaldehyde in my blood. I was kept in for monitoring, and I have some ulcers in my stomach.”

Movement and Lovely: [gasps]

Bowel: I was aware of this anyways, as I was hospitalized about two months ago for a burst ulcer. Originally, I thought it was stress, but they now said it could be because of the poisoning.

Movement: Oh my God!

Lovely: What’s metaldelyde? Metaldehyde?

Movement: Some kind of metal aldehyde?

Movement: I don't know what metaldehyde—

Bowel: Metallic aldehyde?

Movement: I think meth, meth, like m-e-t-h, methyldehyde.

Bowel: It doesn't say that, but maybe she misspelled.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: I could have an infection of some kind, as my temperature is high, but they haven't found anything that could be causing that yet. They’ve checked my heart, and it's fine. I'm due to have heart surgery this year though, but they're delaying it due to ulcers and infections and the fact that I keep getting sick, which is okay. I have an appointment to see my cardiologist on the 20th of April. I contacted the police and wrote a statement and was asked some questions. Anyone who knows me in real life, please don't post mine or my partner's name, as the police said it would destroy the investigation. (Not the exact words they used, but I'm unsure; I was in a daze.) My ex refused to say anything to the police or to me; however, he did say he would speak to his friend and only him. He then spoke to me. I was not alone. I was with a friend and his friend too. He confessed to doing random experiments on me and tests, starting a few months after we moved in together.

Movement: [gasps]

Bowel: It started with spitting on my toast and then the week later, he replaced my propranolol (beta blockers) with salt—empty capsules.

Movement: [gasps] Oh my God.

Bowel: I want to add he was my medication holder, as I have a history of suicide attempts, so he handled my meds and gave them to me, and that's when he thought it would be funny. Now, this is like another reason not to tell people to kill themselves, first of all. Let me just point that out, because maybe they do have a history of trying. I mean, even if they don't have a history, maybe don't say that.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Good point.

Movement: What the ****?

Bowel: He also admitted to these things: swapping my Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages with real meat. (I have IBS and struggle to digest meat, so I became a vegetarian.) He also replaced my Quorn nuggets with his real ones. She spelled corn weird. It was Q-U-O-R-N.

Lovely: I thought you were just shocked by seeing the word corn nuggets.

Movement: Maybe that's the brand that doesn't have actual corn or something for people who have sensitivities.

Bowel: Gotcha. Well it wasn't capitalized so it looked like it was just a misspelling. But anyways, one of my pet giant African land snails went missing in summer, and I assumed it escaped, as I left the lid open on their box. But he said it had died, so he scraped it out and put it in my curry.

Movement and Lovely: [gasps]

Bowel: I vaguely remember the day he did this, as he laughed whenever I went to eat the curry, and I got really paranoid, so I put it in the kitchen and stormed off. He then brought it upstairs and told me to taste, and I did, and I realized he added loads of… something… X-hilly? Chili?

Lovely: Chili?

Movement: How is it spelled?

Bowel: X-H-I-L-L-I. Loads of… chili?

Lovely: Zheelee?

Bowel: Maybe chili. Loads of chili. And he said he was laughing because he put chili powder in and too much came out. Now I think he must have put the chili in to cover the fact that he put my snail in there.

Movement: Oh my God!

Bowel: He also said he rubbed my toothbrush on the toilet but then washed it as he thought that was too far. I feel like this is all a dream. It just seems too dramatic to feel real. I’m unsure what’s happening on the legal front. He says he didn’t know why he did this and that he does love me truly and that he felt compelled to do it, which I understand as I suffer from OCD and get compulsions and impulsions. What the? No.

Movement: But not to hurt people!

Bowel: No!

Lovely: What’s an impulsion?

Bowel: I don't know. Oh, impulses.

Lovely: Then what's the difference between an impulsion and a compulsion?

Bowel: There's no clinical term “impulsion.”

Lovely: Oh, okay.

Bowel: That's okay. I don't think English is a first language, from what I'm gathering.

Movement and Lovely: Oh.

Bowel: —and that he really loves taking care of me and he feels it’s his purpose, and he didn’t mean to cause serious harm.

Lovely: This is giving, um… What's her name? Rose something? The one…

Lovely: Gypsy Rose Blanchard?

Movement: Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

Lovely: Did y'all hear she's separated now?

Movement: Oh. I didn’t know that.

Bowel: Wow, is he still in jail? Or prison?

Lovely: He was in prison?

Bowel: Wasn't he?

Lovely: Oh no, not that guy.

Bowel: Oh.

Lovely: She got married.

Bowel: To someone—not the murderer.

Lovely: No, no.

Bowel: Oh, okay, they, they were long—I never watched the full documentary.

Lovely: Neither did I.

Bowel: I've listened to a podcast that wasn't quite as updated.

Movement: This is like giving me trust issues, honestly.

Lovely: Is this real?

Bowel: I believe this could happen.

Movement: I believe it. Yeah.

Bowel: The fact that she has all these details. Who comes up with that?

Lovely: AI.

Movement: And the fact that it started when they moved in together and that's when he gained control over her. Like, and he was like, “Well, I can experiment on her,” like he, literally it's like a power thing.

Bowel: I think the lesson from this update, though, is that when you discover one of these things, you can guarantee there’s 10 more in the background that you haven’t discovered.

Lovely: Yeah, there’s more things going on. My… What I’m wondering is why was spitting on toast an experiment?

Bowel: Exactly.

Lovely: What was that gonna result—

Bowel: Maybe he was trying to see if, if our DNA mixes, what happens?

Lovely: [laughs]

Movement: Or like, I think the experiments are always to see if she would notice.

Bowel: Yeah.

Lovely: Ohhh, that makes sense.

Movement: That's what I thought.

Bowel: Who gets off on that?

Movement: Psychopaths. [laughs]

Lovely: Yeah, there's some consistencies in these stories.

Movement: Yeah. This is weird! This is very weird.

Lovely: I also want to know how… her snail??

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: Her snail. Her personal snail.

Lovely: Wow. Okay…

Movement: She ate her pet.

Bowel: He promises he never did any of this to our animals. But like you say, the snail, if he, if what she says is true here, yeah, a snail is a **** animal.

Lovely: Yeah, let's not negate the snails.

Bowel: She said: “I think he could just be stressed, as I have mental health issues that could have caused something in him to break from too much stress.” Why are you blaming this on yourself? What is that?

Movement: That’s a giant African snail.

Bowel: Oh.

Movement: Look how big they can get.

Lovely: Jeez Louise. My goodness, that’s a big snail.

Bowel: Oh God. I might have to murder that too.

Movement and Bowel: [laughs]

Lovely: Have you seen pictures of a shoebill stork? They are scary.

Bowel: Do you think she owns one?

Lovely: No. But I saw a picture the other day, and it really freaked me out.

Movement: Is it a snail?

Lovely: No, it's a bird. It's a giant bird that cracks skulls with its beak.

Movement: Oh my God, that's scary. [reacts to picture of a shoebill stork] Ohhh.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Ooohhh! I have seen this before. It looks menacing.

Lovely: It looks terrifying. I don't mess with birds. Or the ocean. But yeah, I feel I'm sorry for her. I hope she has a good support system.

Movement: Like what did she say in the first—before she updated? “I know he loves me, so I’m trying to reconcile this” or something?

Bowel: Well, she also says, “I know I have OCD, so I can kind of relate.”

Lovely: I mean, even if you can relate, you can still, you know, not forgive somebody for doing those things.

Bowel: Right, yeah. Just because you're compelled to do something does not mean you have to do it.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Yikes.

Lovely: Even if you felt like you had to, you can still be like, “No thanks.”

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: I think if I were in this situation, I would have no trust left, which, at that point, what's the point?

Movement: Like she's about to have heart surgery and he's experimenting on her.

Bowel: There's another post—

Movement: He gave her ****ing ulcers so she can't have her surgery.

Lovely: Yeah. The salts—that's… That's probably—

Movement: I know, and, and he replaced her beta blockers with it too, so like not only is it a salt, but also… Like what? That's crazy!

Bowel: [sighs] Yeah. There's several other posts. This is on r/BestofRedditorUpdates because they have updated with all of the subsequent updates.

Movement: Mhm.

Bowel: The next post was: “Just found a jar with four slugs under the sink my partner must have forgot about. I think they are dead, so can be old ones. I feel physically sick,” and then there's a picture of the several dead slugs in the jar.

Lovely: Oh, there are—

Movement: Oh my God.

Lovely: That's how we know. Oh, it is real!

Bowel: Once this escalates to a living thing—plant or animal—

Movement: Yeah…

Bowel: I think we can decide this is definitively… You're gone.

Movement: Can you show us?

Bowel: Yeah.

Lovely: [gasps in reaction to picture]

Movement: Ewww. That's gross. Are they blended already, or no? It’s just the three?

Lovely: Wow…

Bowel: I think it said four.

Movement: Or four… Yikes. That’s so unfortunate that when you have health issues or disabilities, like you have to be even more careful than like people who don’t when choosing your partner. And you have to have those trust issues, like you have to like literally not trust anybody.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Wow.

Bowel: In the comments of that post, many are asking if she's gone to the doctor. She has, and it is revealed that he did more than feed her slugs. It says in quotes “He promised he never did any of this to your animals, but your dog recently had lungworm, and he admitted to making you eat your pet snail. He replaced your heart medication with salt and tampered with your food, knowing that you have IBS. There is nothing funny about that. He has endangered your health and those of your pets. Stress doesn't make anyone do this. He is not safe for you or your pets. These are not the actions of someone who loves taking care of you. They are cruelty. Please, stop blaming yourself. I understand your struggles with both mental and physical health and the need for someone to love and care for you, but if you value your life and those, of the animals you adopted, he can never be trusted again.”

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: Agreed.

Movement: Absolutely. What the heck?

Bowel: Somewhere during all of this, the OP posts this comment: “Hi, he was diagnosed with ASPD yesterday and admitted everything to me and how I was his way of looking normal to the outside world.”

Movement: What?

Lovely: What's ASPD?

Bowel: Antisocial personality disorder.

Movement: Oh.

Lovely: Ohhhh.

Bowel: So we're getting some—

Lovely: Wait. Is that the big one?

Bowel: The big one?

Movement: Oh, I thought you were saying like—

Lovely: The uh-oh one?

Bowel: The maliciousness?

Lovely: Yeah.

Bowel: Yeah.

Lovely: Okay…

Movement: So he's already been diagnosed?

Bowel: Apparently he was diagnosed yesterday. “And he admitted everything to me and how I was his way of looking normal to the outside world. He manipulated me by giving me everything I wanted as a BPD sufferer: love, affection, compliments. He began testing me emotionally at first with cheating to see how I would react, but I forgave him and then began with food and stuff to see how long until I got sick. I'm still baffled. The person I knew, I never really knew at all. He is a psychopath, and he gives ASPD sufferers a bad name. He knew I was vulnerable due to my mental and physical illnesses. He became my carer but was torturing me at the same time, and I was unaware of any of this. He rescued me from an abusive situation and then put me into a new one. That is how he works.”

Lovely: I've heard of that happening a lot, where people will leave one abusive relationship and then—

Bowel: Enter into a new one.

Lovely: Yeah, or they get taken, kind of swept into it.

Bowel: Yeah. It's because of the love bombing in the initial stages.

Lovely: That’s it! The love bombing.

Bowel: Yeah, you gotta watch out for that.

Movement: And it's crazy, like when you look at a lot of couples that, um, they're not necessarily healthy for each other, but like, they work together, if that makes sense. Like they complement each other in a certain way, and when people are unhealthy in a certain way, like you said she has borderline personality?

Bowel: Mhm.

Movement: And then he's like someone who is going to take advantage of her and love bomb her and stuff, so it probably worked for a long time. And like he was saying, uh, I wanted to test to see how long you would take it, where someone who doesn't like… who isn't like her would maybe in the first, like when she, when they got cheated on, would be like, “You're done,” but whereas she just wanted to be like loved and stuff.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Yeah. So she overlooked it.

Lovely: Man, that is…. That bums me out.

Bowel: Her next update says: “I'm struggling to eat/fear of food/no appetite. I recently left a weird relationship where my partner was contaminating my food, etc.” Casual. Anyways, ever since I have struggled to eat, I moved on to a ground floor flat, and sometimes I will find slugs around the house. I am terrified of them. I keep throwing food away because I don't know what the slugs have gone on. I'm scared of getting sick. I can't cope or breathe right now. I've tried everything to stop slugs getting in: copper tape, salt, non-toxic pellets, but they still somehow find their way into my flat. I feel like nature's tormenting me. Any advice, please? I've tried speaking to my doctor, but they won't really listen, and the doctors I see said it was a good thing as I was overweight anyways.

Movement: What?!

Bowel: I was just discharged from the mental health team I was currently on. What is wrong with these people?!

Movement: Yeah…

Lovely: That's definitely… Yikes.

Bowel: Yeah.

Movement: Um, my advice to her would be to buy like a single serving food—

Bowel: And a camera.

Lovely: Mmm.

Movement: A camera. Um, a lot of salt to put around the house, don't they, doesn't that kill slugs?

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Um… Move. [laughs]

Lovely: Pest control.

Bowel: Far away. Far away.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Get people, get health care professionals who will advocate for you rather than say you need to lose weight anyway.

Lovely: Absolutely.

Bowel: Please. If you have the option—I don’t know where this person's from; it seems like they keep calling it a flat, so I assume it's not America, but—

Lovely: The UK, maybe.

Bowel: Mhm.

Lovely: Yeah, I've heard there are slugs over there.

Bowel and Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: I mean, we have slugs here too, but…

Bowel: A slug problem? Infestation. The last post that she posts is: “I am alive. Hello, everyone. Sorry for those who I didn't get to message back. My messages have been so full. I'm alive but have been sick with coronavirus. Thank you to those who reached out to me. You all made me feel less alone. :) Hope everyone is well.” And that was the end of smolbean197.

Lovely: Smol? Smolbean…

Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: Smolbean.

Lovely: Well, smolbean, we wish you all the best.

Bowel: We do.

Movement: I hope that means like she was able to move past everything.

Bowel: I agree, and get over the health issues and the slugs appearing in the new flat.

Movement: Yeah. I would honestly start seeing slugs everywhere.

Lovely: Yeah.

Bowel: Yeah, maybe this is like a psychotic break—

Movement: Maybe.

Bowel: —after all the stress she's gone through.

Movement: Yeah. [chuckles]

Bowel: It can happen. You never know.

Movement and Lovely: [laughs]

Movement: Alright. Next story?

Lovely: Yeah! I had an unexpected threesome with my best friend and my boyfriend. Am I wrong to feel extremely betrayed by them both? Oof!

Movement: Eek.

Bowel: Yikes.

Lovely: Let's see. Just the other night I was hanging out with my best friend and my boyfriend in her apartment. It started out innocently enough, with us playing games and watching movies. Then we started playing never have I ever? And the questions were pretty sexual. She then asked, “Never have I ever had a threesome?” And both me and my boyfriend said no. Her entire vibe changed, to the point it was scary, and she looked at us both. She said, “What if we did something crazy?”

Movement: Okay…

Lovely: I kind of laughed because no part of me could have ever fathomed what she meant. But then she scooted closer to my boyfriend and started kissing him.

Movement: Oh my God.

Lovely: Wow… He wasn't stopping her. I just froze. It felt surreal, like a dream/nightmare. There they were, making out, like it was the most natural thing in the world. I think I had a trauma response of sorts and kind of… tricked myself into thinking this was normal?

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: I can’t explain it. But it's like my brain wasn't ready to feel the extent of what was happening, so it tricked itself. They started undressing each other, and on instinct, I undressed myself too.

Movement: Oh my God.

Bowel: On instinct for this… unparalleled situation.

Lovely: This isn't a sex sub, so I won't go into the dirty details, but a full-fledged threesome occurred between us. The next morning, I woke up at first believing I had dreamt it, but there they were, naked on the floor together.

Bowel and Movement: What?!

Lovely: I still couldn't process what the hell occurred, so I just kind of ran out. When it finally hit me, I had a full-fledged breakdown.

Bowel: There's a lot of full-fledged.

Movement: She likes to fledge fully.

Bowel: No half-fledges here.

Movement: No.

Lovely: Only the full ones. I've gotten calls and texts from both of them asking if I'm okay. I haven't responded. I can't respond. I've thrown up twice from the intrusive memories. I didn't want this. Why did I go along with this? Why didn't I stop it? Why did she start it? Questions just keep swimming in my brain.

Bowel: Full-fledgedly.

Lovely: It keeps going.

Movement: There's more?

Lovely: Oh, there's a lot more. I don't know what the hell to do. Last text from my boyfriend was, “I hope you aren't upset. I think that was such a special event in our relationship, even though it was insane.” He's knocked on my door and I haven't opened it.

Bowel: In our relationship?

Lovely: Mm-hmm.

Movement: Yeah…

Lovely: I have no idea where to go from here. I still love him, but I can't look at him the same. I mean, I ****ing saw his **** go in and out of my best friend.

Movement: Yikes.

Lovely: Not to mention her. I feel like I've been betrayed in the most disgusting way, even though I let it happen/participated. Am I right to feel like they did wrong in the worst way?

Movement: Yes, you're right, because what the heck? They didn't even like ask for permission. They didn't talk about it, like they immediately just went into it. What the ****?

Bowel: Yeah, there was no… Yeah, she said he hadn't, he didn't at all push her away?

Movement: Yeah! Probably as if they have already made out before or like done more stuff, like…

Bowel: There was some comfort there, or comfortability, I guess, that allowed this to happen so casually.

Movement: Yeah. What the heck? [laughs]

Bowel: Also to call this like a milestone in their relationship when it wasn't like again, like communicated beforehand or like…

Movement: And the fact that it's her best friend, like not some random person.

Lovely: Yeah, I don't know… I don't know, I'm stunned.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Should we read the update?

Movement: Mhm.

Lovely: Update: Hey guys, I figured I should add this to my post rather than respond to a bunch of people with it. I met up with my boyfriend about the situation. In a nutshell, this is what I got out of him, and I asked a lot of questions. One: No, he hasn't been sleeping with her the whole time. That night was the first time. Two: he didn't actively want to sleep with her, but he wouldn't have said no either.

Bowel: He didn't say no. We know that.

Lovely: He very much didn't. He put this down to being a horny guy.

Bowel: Well, that's problematic, though.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: If he can just use this as an excuse of like, “Oh well, they offered, so I had to say yes.”

Lovely: That's true.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Three: He thought that the vibe was super sexual even before she came on to him and that he expected it to happen and thought I did too. He mentioned how sexual the questions were and her straight up saying we were turning her on with our answers. She did say this, but I thought she was joking. Four: He didn't push her away because he thought it would be a fun experience for all of us. Five: He admitted to being turned on by her boldness and doing it in front of me. Six: He thought that if she did it so easily, it meant she and I talked about it beforehand and that's why we invited him.

Movement: Okay.

Lovely: Seven: They didn't have sex after I left, but they did express regret over possibly hurting me, and he left as soon as he could. And then there is more, but it’s a lot.

Movement: Oh my God. I don't know… Like what was he thinking? What was, what was her best friend thinking? What were they all thinking?

Bowel: I think they all had different thoughts is my guess.

Movement: I can understand why she was like shocked and didn't say anything and just like tried to act normal. I mean, it's not a perfect response, obviously, but like I can understand why.

Bowel: People dissociate.

Movement: Yeah, but then like, why didn't they… like they weren't dissociating? They were fully aware of what they were doing. Like why didn't they think, “Oh, let me make sure it's okay with my best friend or my girlfriend,” like… What the ****?

Bowel: And he says like, um, I thought you guys had discussed it beforehand without me.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: Wouldn't you think that your girlfriend would come to you and say, hey, we've had this, we have this idea. Like she would relay that to you? What kind of relationship do you have where that's not the case?

Movement: And would he be willing to do that with one of his buddies?

Lovely: True.

Bowel: Yeah, no, he wouldn't. Would he assume that too? That like, oh, because we're having a sexual you know conversation, or conversation about our sexual histories or whatever, like that automatically means we're setting up for a threesome?

Movement: That's another thing about men too. Like they think if a woman is comfortable talking about sex in front of you, that means she wants you. Or like if a woman is comfortable around you, she wants you. Like, oh, then this must mean that they talked about it and we're gonna have sex.

Lovely: Well, after that long list, she said: I asked if I could see his phone to see if he'd been talking to her. He admitted that they did message a bit after the ordeal, but it was nothing serious. I asked if I could see and he got kind of panicky, which made my heart drop. He was like let me remind you that I was still in the mindset that it was a special moment for us.

Movement: I'm so tired of hearing “for us.” Or “for our relationship.”

Movement: Just the whole phrase “special moment for us.”

Lovely: Special moment.

Bowel: Who is us? Who is he referring to?

Lovely: All three of them, probably. So I knew I was going to get sick from what I saw, but I needed the full truth out of the situation, so I asked anyway. He showed me their DMs. They went something like—You want to do this with me?

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Okay, good. You can be her, I'll be him.

Movement: “Let me know if you get in touch with the girlfriend.”

Lovely: “I will. Can I be honest, though?”

Movement: “Of course.”

Lovely: “Last night was the best night of my life.”

Movement: Oh my God. [laughs] “Me too. I feel bad, that the girlfriend might feel bad, but God, it was so hot.”

Lovely: Wow… “I'll be sad if we can't do that again.”

Movement: “You're everything the girlfriend said you were.” Oh my God…

Bowel: What?

Lovely: “She talks about me like that? I'm embarrassed. Lol.”

Movement: He’s like blushing. [laughs] “All the time. I low-key wanted to see for myself.”

Lovely: [gasps]

Bowel: You definitely wanted to see for yourself.

Lovely: After that he started complimenting her skills and stuff, which I quickly skimmed over because I knew I'd get sick if I fully processed them. I skimmed over the rest of the conversation, really, because at this point, I just couldn't handle seeing anything else of that nature.

Bowel: God, the betrayal.

Movement: Yeah…

Lovely: [belches] Excuse me.

Bowel and Movement: [laughs]

Bowel: We're keeping that in.

Lovely: [laughs] I'm sorry, it’s the burger.

Movement: Perfect timing.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: It's the ranch. I scrolled up in their DMs and only saw occasional memes and reposts, so I'm pretty confident that last night was the first time. It still doesn't make me feel better, though, considering while I was having a literal breakdown, they were complimenting each other's sex skills and bodies. I told him to leave, and he begged me to forgive him for everything, but I told him to go **** off again, since he loved it so much. At this point I'll probably block them both and just focus on healing and moving on, because I know I'm not the kind of person to get over that at all. Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It truly made me feel worlds better.

Bowel: Who does get over that?

Lovely: Nobody.

Movement: That best friend is such a snake.

Lovely: That's my thing is like I don't think I would… How does that? How is that your best friend?

Bowel: It's not, not anymore.

Lovely: How was it ever? Like do people do that?

Movement: So you shouldn't be talking about now like your sex life in front of your friends, because maybe your best friend will like go in like—

Bowel: Only talk about the problematic parts of the sex.

Movement: Yeah. [laughs]

Movement: He is so—

Bowel: Small. Smolbean.

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: Smolbean197.

Bowel: Mhm.

Movement: 1.97 inch.

Bowel: Sluggish.

Movement: [laughs] Shut up! Oh God. Whew! Yeah, that's crazy.

Lovely: Mhm.

Movement: Why—I think the um, the pattern today, or the theme is trust issues. Like don't trust anybody.

Lovely: I know this is scaring me.

Movement: Yeah. I do believe that they hadn't talked before or like they hadn't done anything before.

Bowel: You do believe that?

Movement: Mhm.

Bowel: Well, yeah, because he wouldn't be talking about how that was the greatest night, because they would have done it before.

Movement: Or she would have said, like I was, you know low-key wanting to see what she was talking about.

Bowel: Mhm.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: Yeah, that's a good point. But maybe they've done lead-up stuff before.

Lovely: Maybe they flirted.

Movement: Yeah.

Bowel: Flirted, made out.

Lovely: That’s so bold. I just can’t get over…

Movement: Now I understand, like why, like you know, in cis-hetero relationships, like women are so like you can't have girlfriends to their boyfriends.

Lovely: I have girlfriends. Not girlfriends girlfriends, but girl friends.

Bowel: No, you wouldn't be able to have boy friends.

Movement: No, no, no, no, hold on, can you wait? Like, why they don't like their boyfriends having girl friends?

Lovely: Oh, I see, I see, I see.

Bowel: But this is such an interesting scenario because you think if you invite your boyfriend to hang out with your friend with you present, that nothing's going to happen.

Movement: Yeah. [laughs]

Bowel: Like you think that's like sort of an immunity.

Movement: Yeah. Chaperone's present!

Lovely: My thing is, I guess that just shows that you really need to have different taste in people than your friends.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: Or have better friends.

Bowel: Yeah.

Lovely: Who do you think she should be more mad at? The friend or her boyfriend?

Bowel: Both. But probably the boyfriend more.

Movement: Yeah because they had a…

Bowel: They had a more of a commitment, I would think. That's the impression I get. She never explicitly says it, but…

Movement: Do you guys not feel like in platonic relationships you have commitments?

Lovely: Yeah. If you say so.

Movement: Like a boyfriend versus a husband is different. I feel like a boyfriend and a best friend, you almost have the same level of commitment.

Bowel: Except… I mean, there's the sex in the—

Movement: No, but that's like an element of the relationship, it's not a commitment.

Bowel: There's the commitment of remaining faithful sexually which is unique to that—

Movement: Yeah, but your best friend, you have a commitment to not sleep with their boyfriend. [laughs]

Bowel: What if they don't have one though?

Movement: You know, you just don't do that, you don't cross that line. So like—Huh?

Bowel: But if they don't have a boyfriend, then you don't have that commitment.

Movement: You don't sleep with someone they're interested in.

Lovely: Mmm, there you go.

Bowel: Okay…

Movement: So I feel like it’s the same. I feel like I would be—

Lovely: You don't sleep with anybody.

Movement: —equally—Yeah.

Lovely: Just don't sleep.

Movement: But yeah, so like I feel like she should be the same amount of mad at both of them. If this is truly her best friend.

Bowel: Really? I feel like there's still more obligation to the boyfriend to remain loyal.

Lovely: I feel like it's a, it's betrayal in different ways. So yes, equally betrayed, but just in different ways.

Bowel: The fact that it's a double betrayal—

Lovely: And it depends on how long she's been dating this guy too, because if this is her best friend of years and years, I mean… Whew!

Bowel: I'm trying to see if she had any comments. She did post on this, post some comments on this.

Lovely: Did she?

Bowel: Mhm. She mentioned that she was going to meet up with the boyfriend to discuss. He was trying to his best to involve us both after I joined in. I mean, that's not inviting her.

Movement: Yeah, that's weird. The fact that she woke up and they were on the floor together.

Bowel: Yes.

Movement: That was like I screamed, like, what?!

Bowel: You did not.

Movement: Like, in my head, I screamed.

Bowel: I silently screamed.

Movement: Internally screamed.

Lovely: This is an interesting comment: “My wife and I have had threesomes. This wasn't a threesome. This was cheating, planned or building for a good while. Your boyfriend betrayed you big time.” Yeah, it does, if you're going to have an open relationship, or if you're going to open your relationship for a night—

Movement: You got to talk about it.

Lovely: You got to talk about it. Communication is key.

Bowel: Boundaries are important.

Lovely: Yeah. We like communication.

Bowel: And the fact that he has to preface showing the phone to her with all these things about, “Oh well, it was just such a special night for us, so just remember that when you read everything,” it's like, yeah, if someone has to say that to you, you don't even need to go through the phone, just end it.

Movement: Yeah. I feel like this is controversial. A lot of people have different opinions on this, like do you forgive a cheater? Should you forgive a cheater? Because, like, if you forgive them once, are they not just gonna do it again?

Bowel: I think there's different profiles of cheating.

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: Like what?

Bowel: Like there's the more mature cheating, where it's like—

Lovely: The better way.

Bowel: Where it's like a one-time thing and it's over and done, and it's like they come out to you and reveal what they did.

Movement: The lesser of two evils.

Bowel: Yeah, and it never happens again because they feel the guilt of it—

Movement: Yeah, and they grow from it.

Bowel: Versus—yeah—someone who's like concealing it and being deceitful and not loyal and all these things kind of put together.

Movement: Multiple times.

Bowel: Multiple times.

Lovely: Yeah, I mean, I think it just depends on your personal boundaries. For some people, I think cheating is that's it. Like one, done, bye. But it just depends.

Bowel: Yeah. Could you all tolerate it?

Movement: I don't think I could.

Lovely: I don't know. I couldn’t tolerate the slugs, that's for sure. All [laughs]

Movement: Well, I say that. I’ve never been through it, but I think it's harder to like to actually go through it and still say, especially if you're invested and you really love that person.

Bowel and Lovely: Mhm.

Lovely: Because that is the other thing is that, you know… Isn't that part of most people's marriage vows? It's like I'll stick with ya.

Movement: Yeah.

Lovely: If the other person says I'm committed to you even if you cheat.

Bowel: Unconditional love, I don't know about that. There should be some conditions.

Movement: Yeah, like—

Lovely: Isn't all love conditional?

Movement: Yeah…

Bowel: Kind of, unless it's enabling. I feel like that's unconditional.

Lovely: We don't allow people to murder us. Therefore, it is conditioned, right?

Movement: Like I would still love you even if you murdered me?

Lovely: That's ultimate love. That's the goal.

Bowel: That is not the goal.

Movement and Lovely: [laughs]

Lovely: Let's aim for that.

Bowel: Wow…

Movement: Is love that requires you to go beyond your boundaries still love?

Bowel: No… That’s controlling. Manipulation. Control.

Movement: Mhm.

Lovely: Love that forces you to go beyond your boundaries?

Movement: Well, like you're constantly going against your boundaries for. Is that love?

Lovely: But then there's also the counter of… Well, I guess it depends on what kind of boundaries ‘cause you also say, you know, your partner will help you grow.

Movement: That's true.

Lovely: Make you grow, I guess.

Bowel: Make?

Lovely: Well, not force, but like—

Bowel: Encourage.

Lovely: —you each… Right. You each, you know, because you're different.

Bowel: Yeah. Hopefully.

Lovely: And things happen.

Bowel: Yeah. she did say in a comment on the post: “Okay, let me try to explain how I felt in the moment. When they started going at it with no hesitation like it was natural, I started blaming myself. Because how could they do this so easily and effortlessly if I didn’t give them some sign that it was okay? I immediately blamed myself. I don’t know what I did, but I obviously did something, because they seemed to think that it was completely okay. I was also like so ****ing scared of admitting to myself that my best friend and my boyfriend were about to get it on in front of me that I convinced myself in the moment that I wanted it. Because if I wanted it, it wouldn’t be a betrayal. It was like I was desperately convincing myself everything was okay.”

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: That's so sad.

Bowel: Yeah. I get where she's coming from when she describes it that way.

Lovely: Yeah. I mean, that makes sense.

Bowel: That's such a ****ing shitty situation to be put in.

Lovely: If you're listening and you want new friends…

Movement: [laughs] I feel like, um, this is worse than cheating, honestly. The fact that he, like, made her watch and participate in it.

Bowel: And wake up the next day and see them together and not your boyfriend next to you.

Movement: Yeah. Yeah.

Lovely: Yeah, that's…

Movement: ****ed up.

Lovely: You couldn’t come back from that.

Bowel: Yeah. There's no redeeming yourself.

Movement: Because like maybe people who can like forgive cheating and like the other person does grow and stuff, like at least you don't have that image in your mind. But like, if you see it, like you literally sorry, you literally participate in it all night. Oh my God, I could never forget that.

Bowel: No, and he can't either.

Movement: Yeah. [laughs]

Bowel: Apparently. It's an unforgettable moment for all.

Movement: Best night of his life.

Lovely: A special moment.

Movement: I bet you, like how much you guys want to bet that they're going to get together?

Lovely: Yeah, they probably will.

Bowel: I'll bet.

Lovely: I’ll bet.

Movement: Is there another update?

Bowel: No updates, sorry. Guess it wasn't a priority for this one either.

Lovely: She's moved on. Good.

Bowel: Yeah, that was eight days ago on r/amiwrong. So was she wrong?

Movement: No… Wait, for what? Feeling betrayed? No!

Bowel: Feeling betrayed, yeah.

Lovely: Absolutely not.

Movement: I feel betrayed for her! [laughs]

Lovely: Yeah.

Movement: I feel betrayed by all men because of this douchebag, and I feel betrayed by all best friends.

Bowel: Oh. Well that's news to me.

Movement: [laughs]

Lovely: Wow…

Bowel: Don't worry, don't worry, no need to worry. All [laughs]

Movement: Um… Yeah. Good luck to you. Get that **** out of your life.

Lovely: To all of these people. Hopefully there will be no slugs in your future.

Bowel: No slugs, no threesomes—

Lovely: No bleach.

Bowel: No bleach.

Movement: Cleanse. You got to do cleanses. Cleanse your social life. Cleanse your bowels. Yeah, seriously. I really hope that woman gets her heart surgery and stops having ulcers. I’m worried about her.

Bowel: Yeah. And heart problems. Oh, you already said that.

Movement: Yeah. [laughs] I think that's our cue.